Kaia - tired


The Howlings of Kaia


My Mind
Kaia - blank
Tonight, my therapist and I had, sort of an epiphany. And when I came home, I wanted to write it out before i forgot. This is what my mind looks like when i'm spiralling down. When I'm sitting here crying. When I'd rather feel the pain, than venture forward.

My Mind

She's sitting in he corner, long black hair falling over her downcast face. She's holding her knees to her chest, all of her skin is pale white, almost as if she were a ghost.

She's in a room, it's dark, but you can still see. She's backed up against a corner, crouched low to the floor. The walls are covered with self hate thoughts "No one loves you" "You're all alone" "You're a failure" "You're stupid" "Whore" "Slut" "Tramp"

They plaster the walls, which were originally white. There is a thick black smoke filling the room. You can see the words plastering the walls snaking in and out of the smoke.

She is both stuck, and voluntarily staying where she is. She's terrified of what is in the room where she can't see, and is content, with where she is. She knows what is around her, and she is used to her demons eating away at her....moving, exploring, she could get hurt, she could get lost. She's scared to leave what she is used to. All she sees when she looks up is a small footlong clear zone surrounding her, then nothing but inky smoke. It's grey, not quite black.

She doesnt want to leave where she is. People tell her she is loved; wanted. But she never believes them. She only believes what she's surrounded by, because that is all she knows.

She, is me.

Kaia - tired

Wow, seriously? They still havent called me.


My number is right on the app, i've been waiting here for 45 minutes....what the hell.

EDIT: So, the lady at disney, told me, last night that my interview was today. the 26th, at 4. WHEN in actuality it was tomorrow at 4. This does not work for me, as i'm going to be driving at 4 pm tomorrow. So now, it's pushed back to Saturday at 4. FAIL.

Seriously disney? She sounded half asleep on the phone....I had to call back today, talk to Chad, he was nice, and he fixed everything up for me.

Kaia - tired

I've got a little less then 15 minutes until my interview. I'm kind of excited, and kind of scared, and kind of excited.

Tim, I know you're going to get it, cause you're so out there, and open and happy and smiley. I...I'm timid, and well. I dunno. I just feel like they're going to see so many other people who are "worthy" for this internship.

I'll put my foot in the door at least. Show them what i can do. Talk to them about my experience with volunteering with the Philadelphia folk fest. and working on the horse council. And my work at the kennels and Coldstone. Working on a team. all that nonsense.

Ok, so, i might be panicking just a little.....ok a lottle. But...i'm doing this over the phone, and that...alone is bothering me alot. I don't do phones...especially when i get this way.. I really really really hope i dont freeze up when my phone rings..

Ahh...ok -breathe- -breathe- -breathe-

talk to you in a few

Kaia - tired

well, that was interesting....Lets see how that turns out.

I wonder if there'll be an update come tomorrow when i wake up...


EDIT: Nope, not yet.


What's Your Personality Type?
Kaia - tired
You Are An ESFP
The Performer

You are a natural performer and happiest when you're entertaining others.
A great friend, you are generous, fun-loving and optimistic.
You love to laugh - and you like almost all people equally.
You accept life as it is, and you do your best to make each day fantastic.

In love, you are a smooth talker and incorrigible flirt.
While you get into relationships easily, you don't tend to stick around when times get tough.

At work, you do well in groups. You keep everyone laughing through difficult tasks.
You would make a good actor, designer, or counselor.

How you see yourself: Capable, fair, and efficient

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Incompetent, stubborn, and silly

yeah, that sounds about right. Sorry, I'm just wasting time now

Kaia - tired

After taking an hour long stroll downtown, I have come to the conclusion that Chronic Town, is not open. Their door is still wood, and there is a huge sign next to the door saying it is unsafe. -sigh-

Yep. I drove in, parked in south at the day care so i could get the most out of my walking, and toodled on down college ave. Alot of places are having sales, but I was only really interested in CT.

Another sad little note. I must have really jacked my hopes up that i'd run into someone i knew, cause the whole time i was on edge...preparing myself for someone to honk at me, or yell my name, or tap me on the shoulder. Augh....worst was walking back through south at the end of my walk. Seriously.....i admit now that this was silly, and kind of stalkerish, but I was looking everywhere for Lucy....-sigh- I went into Louie's to kill some time, and got a f'real milkshake (cookies and cream yay <3) and kept on looking. walked back to my car, took of my peacoat, cause it was fecking hot, and drove home.

I swear swear swear i'm not stalkerish...i just assumed...or...really hoped...that since i was downtown for an hour plus, that i'd run into someone, anyone...especially during move-in time...

Sidenote, my legs kill. I should have worn shoes with more cushion, not my vans....if my shin splints come back...imma kill something (prolly my legs)

Oh! Another Nightmare...
Kaia - tired

Yeah, that's right, another one.

I don't really remember when it turned into a nightmare, but, I was at my house with my friend Colleen, from my Micro lab, and we were trying on different jeans and tops and everything. This one pair of jeans had a zipper on the inside of your left thigh. My sleep brain was like "Oh! yeah! that'd work!" cause they were skinny jeans, and i dunno, i guess thighs get bigger then smaller or something weird like that. Colleen was agreeing with me, and then tucking the bottoms of her skinny jeans in when her boyfriend walks in. (not her real life boyfriend, but some black guy my mind came up with) He gets this horrible face when he sees her, and pretty much stomps over to her.

She cowers and walks backwards into my basement door. He grabs her by the neck and straightens her up so she's standing straight, and lets go only to slap her cheek a few times. My mouth falls open, but...part of my mind thinks "well maybe...he's just....being rough?" so, scared, i go about my business, and put on this long green trench coat like thing, with furring all along the inside like the hood of my green hoodie. It goes down to my ankles. I've got black skinny jeans, and red over the ankle converse on. I think I'm a bit leaner and taller in this dream. I feel like a bounty hunter (lolwut? i dunno, it's true tho). Once i'm dressed, I refocus on Colleen and her boyfriend and hear him talking down to her, yelling at her. I turn around and see her, on the floor, one hand holding her up, the other covering her crying face. I rush over, and yell at him

"What the fuck!? Are you yelling at her because of her make-up?! You bastard! She did that for you!"
He isn't even taken aback. He just looks at me, sneers, and says
"She shouldn't have, she looks like a fucking slut" he looks back at her
"Isn't that right?? Little bitch, you fucking slut! Look at what you're wearing!" He grabs at her legs, and sees the zipper up her thigh and drops her leg in shock
"What. The HELL. You really are just a little slut! Bitch! I bet that zipper is there for easy access!" He grabs her hair and she screams and grabs his hands as he drags her to her feet.

This is when i wake up, screaming "IF YOU HURT HER, -wake up- I'LL CUT OFF YOUR FUCKING BALLS!!"

I turn over and started crying....

And so the world returns
Kaia - tired

Today is move back in day for all those living in the dorms. Which means, state college will once again be bustling with life.

Someone remind me not to drive into campus today, it'll be hell.

I wonder if Chronic town will be open again....that'd be wonderful times a million <3 I mean, JJ's was nice, and had delicious shisha mixes, but...they were only open till 8. Which pressed us all for time. Now, we don't have to worry about time, because if Chronic Town is open, then all we have to worry about is getting enough seats :P

So, I have a new GPS, so i can go geocaching on my own...problem is....i get scared doing things alone! ah well....i have some cache points already saved in there though...so..maybe if I can get another someone (who's never done it before or somesuch) to come with me, it'll be fun. -shrug- but...i dont really know of anyone who hasn't done it ^_^;;;

once again, oh well. I'm gonna go get dressed and find out if anyone is going to need some help moving in (move-in starts at noon, tho I highly doubt any of my friends are that excited about being back that they'd get here right at noon to move back in).


Edit: wow, it's easy to see how disjointed my thoughts are...just read my spazzy posts like this one..that's my mind is at all times.

Another nightmare
Kaia - tired

So, i was just woken up by a nightmare, again.

We were all driving down to the cabin, I don't remember why Tim, Micah, Lyle and Brian were with us, but, they were. We stop by a festival in a little town, and i drink a bit, and then a huuuge spoon/bowl was passed my way and i took a hit. It was amazing. haha I wish actual weed was that easy to hit it was like hookah (alas, just a dream). Matthew then took it from me, and took a hit too. I stared at him amazed.

"You really just did that? I thought....I thought you never did that?"
"it's a dream -smile- i can do whatever i want" and i waved him off as silly.

We get back in the car later, and continue driving. My car dies somwhere just inside the maryland border. A nice truck driver picks us up and continues on our way. I get cold, and Lyle offers me his shirt, I smile and say thanks while i put it on. We drive for a while, and the truck driver goes through a city (which i see now should be baltimore). We see all these aliens lined up outside of a beautiful southern style home. I ask the driver to stop and let us out. I wander over and see the owner and get all happy! I talk with her for a bit, trying to haggle a room from her. Tim then screams behind me. I look over and he's giggling and jumping about. I ask him what's going on, and he replies that it's OTAKON! I get super excited too, and then find out that tim had won this Huuuuge thousand dollar room. So we all start unpacking, and yasmin and christopher show up. Yasmin is all exasperated, and i ask why and she says

"well, i just called ahead, and we do infact have the room, and I just hate this long drive you know?" my face falls. I look over at Matthew who is having a blast looking at all the costumed people, and trying to figure out where we're sleeping...I get depressed, and walk over and ask him
"Well, we deffinitely got the cabin. That means I paid for it and everything....do you want to go or stay here?" and he looks at me, and without even a speck of thought answers
"Dude! It's OTAKON! I'm staying here!" and he runs off to talk with Tim.

I'm crying, because I'm now about 300 dollars down the hole. I can't cancel, and I want to be with Matthew. Yasmin is pissed because she drove 4 hours to find out she isn't going to the cabin. I'm stressing over this...i'm pleading with Matthew telling him it cost me 300 bucks, i can't cancel cause it's so close to the check-in time....please, please say you want to come..please...

he ignores me...and keeps talking to tim. Yasmin huffs and leaves and get's back in the car, and drives off. I fall to the floor crying...and no one notices...

Kaia - tired

everything hurts.....my chest....my hands, my arms, my ears....my eyes from crying...but they wont stop....my cheeks are wet, the papers on the table have little drops on them....

If i'm still this way when i wake up....i don't think i'm going to be able to eat...

I can't take this anymore...i just can't....


Log in

No account? Create an account